the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
