Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Randomize
