If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
