I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
