Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Drunk is not a location!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
