upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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