I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
