i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
