You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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