Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Randomize
