I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
