I need help removing her.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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