so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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