i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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