He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
