Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
