She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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