i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
