someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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