I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
