i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
