My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize