do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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