But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
