And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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