MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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