nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
