Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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