So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
