life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
