Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
