I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
