I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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