Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
