i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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