Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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