I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
