If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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