Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
