it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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