if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
