Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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