and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
