Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
