Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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