So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
