i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
