THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
