Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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