I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
