Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
