dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
