I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
