if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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