bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
