i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
