I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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