You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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