god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Randomize
