I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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