Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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