In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
